...And I Will Wear Red Lipstick

So I will live as I see fit
There will be those that will not like it

- #27, Dave Matthews Band

I will wear red lipstick in 2009.

     

Because I can. Because I want to. Because I haven't for so long. I am taking red back. That's all there is to it.

I was taking fat pictures today, yes, that's right, fat pictures. Have you ever taken fat pictures of yourself? It is NOT fun. I am fat. I have been for awhile. And although I have been for awhile now, it is still a new thing for me. I have always been the skinny girl. I cannot grasp this new body of mine. I can't grasp that I actually weigh that much. And because I can't fully grasp it, I can't fully tackle the situation. When I look in a mirror, I think oh. that's me? really? So I realized I need pictures to remind me of that fatness. To look at and see that I am not actually that skinny girl that I see on the inside. I need to realize that what I am seeing on the outside is reality. And this is not just for vanity's sake, though I do admit vanity does play a leading role in all of this. I want to be healthy. I want to go for a walk and not feel like at any moment I may collapse and die. I want to feel good about myself. I want to go to the beach again, someplace my soul loves but my self esteem loathes. I want to be able to play with my dogs and not get winded. And I want to get control back.

So I took the pictures. Ugh is all I have to say. But it was good for me. And if I ever get to the weight I feel happy and healthy at, maybe, just maybe, I will share the photos here as a victory, but until then, they are locked up so very tight!!! And after the excrucuciating task of seeing myself exactly how I am, and not how I wish I was, I decided to reward myself with some fun pics. What better way to start the new year than with some self-portraits. And just a warning, I intend to do self-portraits once a month this year, as a way to document the changes that I fully expect to go through this year, both physically and mentally. So get used to this mug. sorry!

 

Comments

[Ellen]

Love this, and small world - I started doing a self-portrait-a month on my blog too...I'll post a link to yours! ;)

[mom]

kristie,kristie,kristie-love you!!!! you look GREAT in red. mom

[kristie lugiewicz]

thanks ladies!
Alicia- I LOVE the idea of doing a 365...but I am such a slacker and always end up not following through lol! I figure I will start with the SP every month, which sort of frightens me...and see where that takes me, like you, I have a hope that if I get in front of the lens more often, maybe just maybe, I will have an easier time accepting who I am.

[Alicia]

I love these fun shots! You could join in a 365 ... I am hoping that it helps me get in front of the camera more and hate myself less:) Take care!

[Chelsey]

Once a month SPs... oh gosh, that's a tall order for me... but something is pulling me to do this with you... ack! {Maybe you shouldn't hold me to that!!!} I dunno... eeeek...
you look beautiful! Start the new year off with a bang baby!